Joyful Chrismukah, SpinSheet readers! It is I, your Hostess with the Most-ness, here to provide you with the authoritative guide to inviting the whole fleet over for your holiday party. Here are the etiquette rules to ensure you have the best freaking holiday party your fleet has ever seen.
First off, who are we kidding? You aren’t inviting the whole fleet over. One-third of them are dead to you. And two of them still owe you money. Don’t invite those jerks over to your house.
For the two boats whose crew you are inviting over, remember to tell them to come an hour earlier than you actually want them there. If they’re always late to dock call, they won’t be on time for your party.
Remember your boat’s food preferences when planning the menu, but don’t place them as high priority. Jerky and Pringles are great, but should be treated as a side course, not the main. Do not use any toothpicks in your appetizer assemblage, because bowmen will find a way to fashion them into weapons. And you should never underestimate the power of a grudge between bowmen.
When menu planning, you’ll find yourself thinking, “What can we dip the jerky and Pringles into?” Don’t bother. Just have the jerky and Pringles there; otherwise, someone will call you a commie bastard, but try to find something respectable they’ll all eat. Like cornichons, or chili wraps.
Alcohol may be served, but make a mental note ahead of time of who is a raging alcoholic and who is merely functional. Then, take your role as the ‘nog-tician seriously.
As a host, take it upon yourself to start conversations. “Did you hear so-and-so’s hull came in underweight?” and “That rudder is so carbon fiber” are great starts.
Make sure everyone has enough of your eggnog to remember that they heard a rumor about another boat last night, but they can’t remember who said it. If they do start to pin it back to you, blame it on your nemesis’s tactician. Tacticians are the worst.
Holiday parties are a great opportunity to poach crew from another boat. This is inadvisable in the case of spousal relationships, but if the boat is a known GPS location for Tinder hookups, swipe right all night.
While your guests are enjoying themselves, feel free to leave small, frozen filets of fish in the pockets of their foul weather gear for them to find in early May. Look, this is a party, but it’s not like you’re Mrs. Nice Guy all of a sudden. Those clowns should know to never let their guard down. Never. Happy Holidays, everyone!
--by Puffy Derkins
