In the golden age of diesel engines, roller furling sails, global positioning satellites and full service luxury marinas, it might seem that a pirate has no place in the modern world. To fully understand the multitude of challenges facing the contemporary pirate, it might help to consider a day in the life of a pirate who is planning to visit Pirates and Wenches Fantasy Weekend in Rock Hall, August 11-13. For more information, click on rockhallpirates.com.
7:20 a.m. Alarm goes off. Stab clock with dagger. Snooze.
7:27 a.m. Alarm again. Awake. Another bountiful day of swashbuckling be upon ye!
7:30 a.m. Brush teeth with rum.
7:34 a.m. Dry gun powder with Wench’s blow-dryer
7:38 a.m. Argue with Wench over whose turn it was to set the timer on the coffee pot.
7:53 a.m. Break fast with a meal not fit for a stowaway. Threaten Galley Wench with walking the plank.
8:01 a.m. Apologize to Wench.
8:15 a.m. Practice saying “arrrrrgh” and “avast ye mateys!” in the mirror. Scowl needs some work.
8:22 a.m. Get dressed in most intimidating puffy shirt. Choose complimentary skull and crossbones scarf.
8:47 a.m. Get picked up by mates for a day of gruesome swashbuckling. Carpool. Seriously, why does Red Beard always get to ride shotgun? Davy Jones is no fair.
9:00 a.m. Arrive at ship. Check 10-Day Forecast to plan plunder itinerary.
9:02 a.m. Plunder and pillage! Make for the horizon with the booty of hundreds of innocent landlubbers! Throw any dissenters overboard!
12:15 p.m. Lunch.
1:38 p.m. Meet with Pirate Captain about “inappropriateness of rum in the workplace.” Promise to leave cutlass at home tomorrow, promise to wear shoes regularly, yadda yadda yadda.
2:12 p.m. Plot mutiny against Pirate Captain. Research other ships seeking competent pirates with proven records of achievement.
2:42 p.m. Resume swashbuckling! Bury loot! Ride the high seas deep into the horizon!
5:10 p.m. Splice the mainbrace at the local pub with buckos! Get weird looks from bartender about the headscarf.
6:15 p.m. Sing sea shanties with mates. Pass flagons of rum around table.
7:28 p.m. Get kicked out of local pub for threatening to murder bartender. Vow revenge on mates who stay and drink rather than honor Pirate Code.
7:58 p.m. Call Wench. Apologize. Ask her to please come pick you up. And while she’s at it, please pick up some fish sticks from Long John Silver’s on the way. 8
:35 p.m. Retire from a long and successful day of piracy on the high seas.
10:01 p.m. Watch Captain Ron DVD in bed with Wench.
